the arts and the ill. ♥

ill ill ill.

fuck me. i hate being fucking ill. especially when you like have to do a bloody art project. i dont want to bloody draw a mascara and blusher brush in a glass. well i am probably going to end up going to school tomorow. I just cannot wait. it will be simply spiffing. i wonder if anyone has read any of this. if youre reading this, you probably have no clue who the fuck I am. anyways. mutti has come home from america. she thought it would be a good idea to come home when i am ill. can i not be ill for once when my mother is not home? she thinks i am currently working on my music and typin skills. the stupidity of my parents never ceases to amaze me. well,anyways. i really should start telling people about my year at school. of course, the names will be a bit different, so no one will know who the fuck i am. but yeah- if there is a heart by the persons name, it means i like them....

alien-♥the most pretty stunning girl ever. with bright blonde hair and big blue eyes. she is like, fucking amazing. shes smart has all the boys all over her, and just genreally rules my school, i guess its a good thing she isone of my best friends then ei?

hedgehog--a big large fat, huge lipped wannabe. she is like enourmous, with like frizzy hair and a fat nose and yeah, she just genreally looks fuck up and runs around with her money in a kodak film case and her books are stashed in an o so cool bag with a picture of her and her brother as mice on it, how wonderfully cool. have i mentioned that even the freaks are too cool for her? mmmmm, i wonder how long she wil last before she either

a. dies of saddness

b. cuts herself and like goes to a mental institution.

c. makes a hole in her chair because of her weight.

max♥--my  best friend ever she. is amazingly pretty, prettier than alien, even though she doesnt have aliens big blonde hair and huge eyes. she is the funniest person you will ever come across and has like, a heart of gold-I FUCKING LOVE HER.but in a non lesbianic way. 

more to come later. x x x

SHOES.

well. i know this boy called shoes. i got off with him at a party. he said he liked me. and i believed him. I dont know why I did. He was too fit for me anyone could see that. I only got off with him because he probably thought i was a slut and would go really far with him. well i wouldnt. I dont know why the think that worries me is that if i hadnt known that some people at my school would have compeltely rejected me if i had. He was tall, brown hair, brown eyes, and had a bit of a spasticated indie dress sense. he was taller than me, and well, wasnt a very good pull. he slobbered. but i thought you know what, everything else i do in life gets fucked up so yeah, ill deall with the bad pull, the dress sense, and that tiny feeling that i was being used for one night, just so even if only for two hours,i could feel like some boy actually cared about me, thought i was pretty, had a nice body, and you know, liked me. but he didnt. so yeah. i dunno. ive given up on boys. i dont care about them. until they care about me. actually no, thats a lie. I do care about them, i just never tel anyone I do, even my self. 

x x x 

well the school today was shit. lost my fone, and well. i dont know how to say this but i was bulimic again in the loos. I miss my best friend so much. I dont know its like Annie has a part of me with her, and i need to be with her to feel i dont know, compelte, she is so amazing and I love her. like not in a lezzy way. in like, a sister way. but more. i would defs chose to have her live rather than my sister. well today in school i wore a blue cashmere cardigan with leggins and big cool shoes.

wait g2g bb xx

meet up on october 12th at richmond at one---CINEMA

mmm. anyways today i am meeting a few people, called pony, bear, and alex lie. the person i like at the moment is bear. hes really nice, like the only guy i know who doesnt have an over rated opinion of himself. hes alright looking, like nice skin and like ince features, but nothing speacial. i dont know why everything i d goes wrong. i always end up makinga fool of myself. i wish that some one would like me. like ii dunno, the picture i put up, its not me, its this random girl from facebook. dunno who she is, but i think she at least looks happy. i wih i could be happy. because now that my best friend has decided that im not her best friend, itsreally horrible, like waking up in the morning and having to plan out what im going to say to who, what im going to wear, how im goign to do in tests everything so that i can manipulate people in to liking me---because im being manipulated at the same time. its all because of boys you know? because everyone tries to manipulate people to get sm=omeone-and that smeone is always a boy. i guess i can talk. every boy i have ever gotten of with has decided that im fat and uglyy and try hard. but i try hard because i know im ugly, and i need to over compensate for people to like me. I wish people would like me for who i was-but then who would-im not like funny or gorgeous or big boobed or the most popular girl the world has ever seen.true im in the "cool clique" at school, and am one of the top four, but still, everyone else is so pretty. im the girl the boys the talk to toget her friends. i dunno. what do i do?

x x x

the prologue

I thought you might want to know that this is a true story. Whatever I write on this blog is the truth and just the truth. Thats partly the reason why i decided to write a blog. Its because when you write on a blog, you know people will read it, and you are telling someone, unlike in a diary-come on, the white pages of a book are hardly a person. 

*the names in this story have been changed

My name is Ally. Im thirteen, and live in London. Im quite small for my age, have blue eyes, blonde hair, no boobs, am quite skinny, and do lots of ballet. I dont think that I am pretty. My friends tell me I am, but to be honest I don't. I used to have a really nice life. My best friend was called Annie, and we were the best friends the world has ever seen. We both really wanted to know boys, and we went to all the year eight discos. Then one day, during half term, we went to the hurricane disco. We wore shorts, tied up shirt, war paint, and, for once, not too much makeup. At the end of the disco, I had the idea of having a pullathon-a competition where you try and get off with the most boys you possibly can. I got with 24, and she got with 26-but she is the most stunning girl i have ever seen, shes beautfiful, nice, sweet, funny, and just amazing. These twenty four boys all went to St. Johns School. They were the year above, and I thought we were all amazingly cool. Annie ended up going out with one of the boys-his name was Josh. He was really fit, and they went out for two months. He sent her the most amazing texts, which in the end made her got to second with him (fingering). After that, he bacame a complete dickhead to her and began to prank call her all the time-she dumped him, and began to go out with michael saify. I liked a boy called Alex Lie.He was not very fit, but the one who talked the most to me on msn-that the problem with me- i dont realy care who i go out with, instead all i want is a boy to really like me-to feel loved.Well that all went down the drain because his old girl friend claudia began to stalk me and make me tel her things he told me about her-so he stopped liking me. I doubt he ever did like me in the beginging- probably a figment of my imagination. Who would want to go out with a girl in the year under- with a not too pretty face, no boobs, and a terrible figure. so yeah, i dunno-wait-i have to go-more to come very soon x x x

that girl-October 12th, 2008

i dont really know why im writing this. why would anyone want to know about my little, boring life. you wouldn't think that people would be interested in a 13 year old school girl's life. The boys, the make-up, the drama, thats all part of my life - like every other teenager in England. But what all other teenagers in england dont have is the problem of bulimia. the problem of self harm. the on that they fall asleep every night crying. the one that their life has gone down the drain ever since last summer, when they went to their first real house party. the one that their bestfriends arent their best friends. well. i dont know-do you want to know?